Monday, August 17, 2009

Journal Entry One of Trent Caner

This day has been more mad than any I've experienced in the last two days. I woke up this morning to find that my alarm clock had been broken in the night. I am quite curious as to how this happened. I have my theories. Theory number one: my sister snuck in during the night and pistol whipped it with my dad's gun. Problems with theory number one: I don't have a sister. Theory number two: I was sleep walking again and I grabbed the alarm and head butted it repeatedly. Problems with theory number two: no foreseeable problems with theory number two. Theory number three: same as theory number two, but I was wearing a helmet. I believe theory number three to be the most accurate for I do sleep with a helmet on. Anyways, I woke up at 11:12. This made me extremely angry for not only did I oversleep, but I missed my chance to make a wish for it to be earlier in the day. I feel that all of today's problems could have been solved by that wish, but alas, it was not meant to be.

Being that it was Thursday, I suppose I should have been at school by that time. However, being that it was already past 11, I probably didn't have to go. Also, it was a Teacher work day, so everything in this paragraph before this sentence is irrelevant. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not sure why I wanted to get up so early anyway.

Regardless, I got out of bed to face the day. I came downstairs to find that my clothes had been strewn all over the living room. I’m not sure, but I think the broken alarm clock and this particular ordeal of mayhem were related. I proceeded to pick up the loose articles of clothing when I realized that these weren’t my clothes at all. This wasn’t even my house! Well believe you me, I was completely freaked out. Not only had the strange turn of events left the alarm clock broken and someone’s clothes strewn, but it had also placed me in another person’s house. Yes, I was quite disturbed, but then a sudden rush of peace came over me as I realized that it wasn’t my alarm clock that I had busted. Why, it was somebody else’s. It makes me feel so good when I think that I’ve done something really bad to one of my possessions and then realize that it’s not my possession at all, but that of another’s.

Well, let me tell you, journal, I got out of that house QUICK. Ain’t no way I was going to get caught dead in that thing. It was about that time that I lit the whole house on fire. Not really, but hot dog, what if I had? That would have shown ‘em. I’m not sure who the ‘em is here but that doesn’t really matter. Any time I do something demonstrative, I like to follow it up with a “that’ll show ‘em.” It makes me feel mighty.

Upon arriving outside, I noticed that I was surrounded by a band of neighborhood cats. They stared at me in awe as if I was their superior power in charge. I yelled, “At ease, men.” They replied with a resounding meow. I looked each of them in the eyes and I made this speech: “Dear cats of Crater Valley, hear my words. A disturbance has arisen and placed me in this unfamiliar house. I do not know who or what was involved, but I fear some powerful evil is at work here. See to it that every house in the 55555* zip code is searched. Leave no rock unturned, but please turn them back when you are done. There’s no sense in leaving rocks turned. If you do, why then the next time something bad happens, there’ll be nothing left to not leave unturned. For, my fellow cats, rocks are always the only things to not to be left unturned when searching for something. Remember this. Now, GO!”

The cats dispersed and I made my way home. That’s when the asteroid hit. It was approximately 30 feet away from me. I fell from the mighty blast. Smoke rose into the air from where it had hit. I slowly rose to my feet. I looked to my right and then to my left and then to my right again and I looked again to my left and then to my left again to fake out anybody that happened to be spying on me. I never did look back to my right. Looking back on it, perhaps I should have, but there were bigger fish to fry. I’m speaking of the sturgeons in Bass Falls Lake. Good heavens are they some big fish.

I slowly crept along the asphalt to where the heavenly object had landed. I peered over the edge of the hole. There it was. An asteroid cracked completely open to reveal a treasure inside. It was a mirror. Alongside the mirror was an instruction booklet. I reached in, retrieved the booklet, and I read: “Here is the ancient Mirror of Anctose. Look into its face and make your wish.” Not one to disobey instructions, I grabbed hold of the mirror and looked into its face. I proclaimed, “Ancient mirror of Anctose, grant me my wish. I wish for wisdom in making my wish upon this mirror.” After I said this, the mirror disappeared from my hands and I knew my wish had been granted. Believe you me, if an asteroid ever drops near me again and has the Mirror of Anctose inside, I’ll be ready to make a darn good wish.

I made my way down the street and found my home. I walked inside and I sat at the table. I sat there for nine hours pondering the proceedings of that morning. Soon enough, the cats all came in with news of impending doom. If only I could speak cat, I would have known what they were saying. But as it stands, I cannot. So I shot them all and went to my room. Just kidding about that. I actually went into the living room. And there I sat. I turned on the television and found out there was breaking news at 10. I replied “I’ll break your news at ten!” I turned the TV off.

Now, here I am about to go to sleep on my own bed. What a day. I just hope everything turns out alright. I also hope to catch one of them big sturgeons. Boy howdy. Sturgeons.

*Zip code was changed to protect the cats. Given the way things turned out, I'm not sure why.